"What the heck is going on in' my life?" Navigating the Joseph Pit.

[Os Hillman]

 "What the heck is going on in' my life?" Does that express your life? If so, read this chapter from my book Upside the Adversity.Visit www.upsideofadverdity.com for more.eigh in on the discussion.

 

Chapter 1 – Upside of Adversity, by Os Hillman

You Have a Joseph Calling

So it came about, when Joseph reached his brothers, that they stripped Joseph of his tunic, the varicolored tunic that was on him; and they took him and threw him into the pit.

Genesis 37:23-24, NASB

A man in a dark suit ushered me into the luxurious sitting room of the penthouse suite. The windows of the room afforded a panoramic view of the buildings and monuments of Washington, D.C. “He’ll be with you in a few moments,” the man told me. Then he left me alone with my thoughts.

“Lord,” I prayed silently, “I’ve come more than 600 miles from Atlanta to spend just a few minutes with the man I’m about to meet. I hardly know anything about him. I made this appointment on the basis of hearing an audiotape of a speech he gave. But Lord, I know You placed that tape in my hands for a purpose. Whatever you want me to learn from this man, please open my ears and enable me to hear it.”

A few minutes later, two men entered. One was tall and stately, with an accent that seemed neither American nor purely European. The other man was somewhat heavy-set and spoke with a Swedish accent. His smile was warm and genuine. He put out his hand to take mine. “Hello,” he said, “I’m Gunnar Olson.”

I recognized his voice from the tape. J. Gunnar Olson—founder and president of the International Christian Chamber of Commerce (ICCC)—was a busy man. He was making final preparations for an international conference of the ICCC that very night. Even so, his manner was relaxed and unhurried. He introduced the other man, James Lockett, a member of the ICCC board.

 

The three of us sat down. It was late afternoon, and through the windows of the suite I could see that the skies over Washington were deepening toward evening.

 “Tell me about yourself, Os,” Gunnar said.

 

I briefly sketched in my story. For 20 years, I had been a highly successful advertising executive. My list of clients read like a Who’s Who of the corporate world: American Express, Steinway Pianos, Parisian Department Stores, ADP Payroll Services, Peachtree Software, and on and on. I was active in my church, and I led a men’s Bible study. People thought I was the model Christian businessman.

 

But something had happened to change all of that. Two years earlier, beginning in the spring of 1994, I had experienced a series of catastrophic personal and business setbacks that destroyed my marriage and left me financially ruined. The past two years had left me feeling defeated as a Christian. 

 

“To be candid, Mr. Olson,” I concluded, “I’m not even sure why the Lord has led me here today. I don’t know how you can help me. I only know that I feel like a complete failure. I’ve failed as a businessman, as a husband, as a father, and as a Christian. I know this sounds terrible to say, but it’s true: I feel that God has abandoned me.” With that, I fell silent.

Gunnar Olson and James Lockett looked at each other—and laughed!

I was prepared for just about any reaction to my story, but this response took me completely off guard. I had poured out all the pain of my shattered life before them—and they found it amusing?

 

My shock must have shown on my face, because Gunnar quickly turned to me and said, “Os, please don’t be offended. We’re not laughing at your pain but at the amazing way God works. James and I are simply astounded that the Lord keeps bringing people to us who have stories like yours! I tell you, Os, it’s uncanny!” 

 

“You mean, you know of other people who have gone through an experience like mine?” I said. “I’ve been feeling as if I were the only one!” 

 

“Oh, you’re hardly alone, my friend,” Gunnar said. “In fact, your story fits a pattern so common that I have a name for it: the Joseph Calling. Os, you’re not a failure. God has placed a Joseph Calling upon your life.”

 

“What’s a Joseph Calling?”

 

“Put simply, this is what it means: Like Joseph, God calls some leaders to experience extraordinary levels of adversity in order to accomplish extraordinary things through them. Why? Because He knows that adversity builds character and produces wisdom in the life of a leader. God will use this adversity for good in your life and in the lives of others. That’s the principle of the Joseph Calling.”

 

Gunnar then reminded me of the Old Testament story of Joseph, an innocent man who suffered misfortune and mistreatment, betrayal and false imprisonment. Yet it was those very experiences of adversity that prepared him to become one of the greatest leaders of the ancient world. I knew the story well—but it had never occurred to me to apply the lessons of Joseph’s life to my own trials. 

 

The moment I saw my adversity through the lens of the Joseph Calling, my perspective changed completely. I stopped seeing myself as a failure, abandoned by God. I realized that God had been dealing with me the same way he had dealt with Joseph. My losses, setbacks and trials had all been allowed—and even orchestrated—by a wise and loving God. Yes, Satan was also to blame for a failed marriage because God is never behind a marriage failure. Even so, God was preparing me for a larger role in leadership than I could ever imagine.

 

My first encounter with Gunnar Olson and the Joseph Calling took place in July 1996. Since then, I have discovered that everything Gunnar told me was true: There are thousands of Christians today who have the Joseph Calling upon their lives. They are entering, enduring or emerging from a time of terrible adversity—and God is preparing them to for the challenge of godly leadership.

Why We Are Called to Adversity

When Gunnar Olson first explained the Joseph Calling to me, it was as if the scales fell from my eyes. I saw my life from a completely different perspective. I no longer viewed myself as a failure, rejected by God. I realized that God was still at work in my life, just as he was at work in Joseph’s life throughout his trials. Once I realized that God had placed a Joseph Calling upon my life, all of my trials and losses began to make sense.

 

Adversity builds strength. Consider the butterfly. It begins life as a caterpillar, a wormlike larva that spins a cocoon for itself. For weeks, the larva remains hidden within the cocoon as it undergoes metamorphosis. When it’s time for the butterfly to emerge, it must struggle and fight its way out of the cocoon. Watching this struggle, we might be tempted to help by tearing open the cocoon—but that’s the worst thing we could do. A butterfly that is not allowed to struggle will emerge in a weakened state, unable to fly. Butterflies need adversity to become what God intended them to be. So do we.

 

The Book of Job is probably the oldest book of the Bible, written even before Genesis. It’s the story of a wealthy and successful community leader named Job. He was the Bill Gates or Donald Trump of his day—a fabulously successful businessman with huge holdings of livestock and real estate. He was also a deeply righteous and devoted follower of God.

Job 1 tells us that one day Satan came before God and God asked him, “Where have you come from?” Satan replied, “From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it.” In other words, Satan had been wandering the earth, trying to stir up trouble, misery and sin among human beings.

 

God said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.” Notice that God pointed Job out to Satan! God practically painted a bull’s-eye on Job’s chest!

Satan said, “Does Job fear God for nothing? Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land. But stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face.”

And the Lord replied, “Very well, then, everything he has is in your hands, but on the man himself do not lay a finger.”

 

So Satan went out and proceeded to put poor Job through a trial of adversity. Job’s herds were stolen, his servants were murdered, and all of Job’s children were killed by a sudden tornado. On hearing the news, Job tore his robe, shaved his head, and fell on his face before God, saying:

Naked I came from my mother’s womb,

and naked I will depart.

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;

may the name of the Lord be praised (Job 1:21).

God didn’t directly cause Job’s losses. God didn’t personally destroy Job’s herds or kill Job’s children. But God did point Job out to Satan, and He did give Satan permission to bring these losses into Job’s life. In the process, Job undergoes a kind of Joseph Calling experience. Through his trial of adversity, he grows in strength, wisdom and faith. His entire perspective on God is transformed by his suffering.

 

We must get beyond the immature notion that God is only interested in making us healthy, wealthy and happy. God wants so much more for us than that. He wants us to be wise, mature, obedient, bold and committed. He wants us to be like Christ. And the road to becoming like Christ often leads through the wilderness of adversity.

My Own Joseph Journey

I founded my own advertising agency in 1984. The next 10 years were boom years for my company, and I became nearly financially independent by the age of 42. Throughout these years of success, my Christian faith was important to me. I operated my company as a Christian witness, and I maintained a high standard of integrity. Our company was named The Aslan Group, after the lion Aslan, the Christlike-figure in C.S. Lewis’s Chronicles of Narnia.

At the same time, I was experiencing deep problems in my marriage. Although my then-wife and I told few people about our problems, we were in counseling throughout our married life. We visited a number of counselors, seeking a solution to our problems. Finally, in March 1994, my wife decided that it was time to separate. After three and a half years of separation, the marriage ended in divorce. My only daughter was now a teenager.

 

We had just bought a thirteen-acre estate and were drawing up plans for our dream home. It was an idyllic setting, complete with a peaceful, meandering stream and a pasture for our horses. The house would sit on a hilltop. Just down the hill from the site of the house, we constructed a four-horse barn with an apartment upstairs. We planned to live in that apartment while the house was being built.

 

It was just after the barn and apartment were completed that my then-wife gave me the news that she wanted a separation—and that she and my daughter were moving into the apartment in the barn. I was devastated. I knew that we had serious problems, but I figured we’d eventually have a breakthrough in counseling and everything would be okay. Being a strong Christian, the word “divorce” was not in my vocabulary. Somehow, I reasoned, I’d find a way to change her mind.

 

Soon after the separation, I faced a series of ruinous crises in my business and financial life. First, our biggest client—one that represented 70 percent of our billings—decided to end our seven-year business relationship and fire us. To make matters worse, the client disputed a major campaign that we had just completed and refused to pay the bill—a little matter of $140,000!

Second, less than a month later, I noticed that I had stopped receiving financial reports from an investment company in which I had about $100,000 invested, both personal and business funds. It turned out that the company had gone out of business amid a flurry of lawsuits. Our money was gone—embezzled by one of the principals.

 

Third, a few weeks later, another investment company went under. This time, I lost about $200,000 of my own money plus a sizable sum that my widowed mother had invested on my advice. The guilt I felt over the loss she suffered was unbearable.

 

The fourth business calamity I suffered was especially painful because it involved a trusted Christian brother. He was the vice president of my advertising company, the man who managed our second-largest account. I had confided in him and prayed with him during tough times. Then one day, he came to me and said, “Os, I’m leaving to form my own advertising company.” It was a shock—but an even greater shock awaited me. A few days later, I learned that he had taken our second-largest account with him in violation of the non-compete agreement he had signed with me.

 

All of these personal and business calamities had befallen me within a space of a few months. Only a short time earlier, I had dreams, goals and forward momentum in my life. Now my dreams and my self-image lay shattered at my feet. I wondered why God had forsaken me. I couldn’t go a single day without breaking down and crying. Sometimes, while talking to a friend, I would choke up in mid-sentence and start to weep.

 

During the first year following the breakup of my marriage, I felt as if I were paddling a rowboat with ten holes while trying bail out the water. As I tried to keep my company from bleeding to death, I struggled to maintain a relationship with my 12-year-old daughter, who was hurting even worse than I was. There was a period of about three weeks where I seemed to lose my relationship with her completely, because her view of me was tainted by the influence of my estranged wife. For a while, I wondered if my relationship with my daughter would ever be restored. 

 

My pain was so great that I questioned the existence of God. Paradoxically, I was also angry with this God whose existence I doubted. The more that went wrong with my life, the angrier I became. I blamed my wife, the investment companies, and my former business partner for these calamities and tragedies. I also blamed God.

 

I have learned that I have the kind of personality that demands to be in control. A controlling personality is usually driven by two forces: fear and pride. I lived with the fear that if I didn’t control every situation, I would lose control of my life. I hesitated to delegate important tasks and decisions to others because I feared that other people wouldn’t do things as well as I did. Most of all, I feared allowing God to have full control of my life. I realize now that my fear-based addiction to control was corrosive to my marriage.

 

I also had a problem with pride-based control. I had to maintain a good public image—the image of a successful, competent businessman with a strong Christian family. I couldn’t let anyone know that I was flawed or that I lacked competence in any area. I couldn’t bear the thought of people knowing that my marriage was failing, and my business was failing.

I tried desperately to reconcile with my wife, but she wouldn’t budge. I tried desperately to recover my lost investments, but that was a lost cause. I tried desperately to save my advertising agency from ruin—I cut the agency staff from 10 people down to one (me), but I still lost money. My life was tumbling out of control. For a control addict, there is no worse fate than that!

 

I had lost everything that meant anything to me—my marriage, my relationship with my daughter, my business, my wealth, my self-esteem, my dreams and my faith in God. What did I have left to live for? I even considered having a car accident so that my family could collect on my $500,000 life insurance policy.

 

My trial of adversity, which I call my “Joseph Pit” experience, began in March 1994 and lasted until March of 2001—exactly seven years, just like the seven years of famine in Egypt. During my trial, God sent a number of people to walk alongside me and help me understand what God was doing my life. At the end of those seven years, God restored me in all aspects of my life—and He gave me a whole new reason for living.

Your Own Joseph Journey

I’m writing this book because there are thousands of people going through a journey like mine. I’m writing this book because I know how it feels to suffer adversity and feel abandoned by God. You may be in the Pit right now, but realize that God is at work in your life, using your adversity to prepare you for an amazing future.

 

Over the years, I’ve found that very few people understand the Joseph Calling. Pastors don’t. Business leaders don’t. Well-meaning family members don’t. I didn’t begin to understand it myself until I walked into that Washington, D.C., penthouse and Gunnar explained it to me.

Now I take this message wherever I go. I share these truths through my speaking and workshops. Every time I talk about the Joseph Calling, people come to me and say, “I’ve never heard this before! I’ve felt completely alone with my pain! I thought God had turned His back on me!”

 

God used Gunnar Olson as a lifeline when I needed one. Now I’m privileged to see God using me as a lifeline of hope to others. I could never have had this ministry if I had not gone through the Pit of adversity. Today, I’m grateful for what I’ve learned through that experience of pain and loss. What looked like a Pit of despair at the time has become a launching pad for the ministry I have today.

 

What does your Pit look like? How deep is it? How wide? How dark? How painful? No two Joseph Pit experiences are alike. Yours may entail the loss of a career, financial setbacks, a crisis in your marriage, the loss of loved ones, the loss of your health, or any of a thousand other trials or calamities.

 

But one thing is consistent in every Joseph Pit experience: Your life is interrupted. You’ve lost control over your circumstances. You are cast upon a sea of uncertainty with a raft but no oars. For the first time in your life, you are forced to depend entirely upon God and others.

If that is how you feel right now—I want to give you hope for your future. God has selected you to embark on the journey of a lifetime. He has chosen you to join the select company of people like Job and Joseph, Daniel and Paul—people who have undergone adversity and have emerged as people of refined character and enlarged leadership ability. I want to give you the same message that God imparted to me through Gunnar Olson: You have a Joseph Calling upon your life. In this time of adversity, God is preparing you. He’s getting ready to use you in a mighty way. And He will turn your Valley of Achor (trouble) into a door of hope.

Questions for Reflection

             1.   How do you normally respond when you find yourself in a crisis of adversity? How would you like to respond?

             2.   What parallels do you see between the journey of Joseph and your own journey in life? What lessons or encouragement can you draw from those parallels?

             3.   What are your feelings as you reflect on the adversity that you are experiencing right now? Are you angry about the situation that you are in? With whom are you angry? God? Yourself? Your spouse? Other family members? People in your church? People in your business circles? Others?

             4.   What is the prayer of your heart right now? How would you like other people to be praying for you? Have you asked a trusted Christian friend to be your partner in praying for that need in your life?

 

Excerpted provided by permission. Upside of Adversity, Regal Books, copyright Os Hillman, 2006. Reproduction without permission prohibited.

[Penny Bolton]

Robert,

I too am a highly logical person. One of my God given strength is problem- solving. But every strength can be a weakness without the leading of our Lord. Too often in life I have moved forward with my "God given" gift without waiting on the Lord. I have prided myself as a self-starter with tremendous initiative. Did you notice in the past few sentences how many times I used the word "I". All too often I would do the right thing or a good thing but not in God's timing or with His blessing.

I had to come to the end of myself and learn that none of us are made to lead, but to follow our Shepherd the Lord Jesus Christ. It is only when we are fully committed to following can we lead others.

Are you seeking God, or are you seeking God to change your circumstances? There is a big difference. There is nothing magical in fasting. But words cannot express the miracles that will transpire in your heart and in your mind.

I was born with an entrepreneurial spirit and would get up in the middle of the night and write out a business plan before I knew what a business plan was.

I recently showing a plan to my son who is an extremely successful entrepreneur. He was amazed and excited for me. I told him that I agree, but that it was like trying to open a door against a storm raging outside. The pressure of the storm won't allow it. I knew that although it was a great plan, a great idea, it was not in God's timing or will. Right now I am to: "be still and know that I am God." For a "doer" this a hard thing to do in my human strength, but through my time fasting, I've learned that ALL must be laid at the foot of the Cross.

I urge you to read: "Hunger for God" by John Piper

Jim Eslinger said:

Hi Robert,

My understanding of fasting is to deny yourself of something that is a part of your life, so to speek.

This past holiday Easter season I fasted from caffiene. I wanted God to provide me guidance in the employement area. Over the last 3+ years I have endured my own Joseph pit. A 30 year family owned building company came to an end due to circumstances out of my control. I know God was in control, but I certainly wasn't. Anyway, back to the fasting. I had prayed during my fast that God would provide me guidance to choose one of 2 doors that had opened. One door presented itself a few months before Easter and the other during the 40 days. The first door was the one God wanted me to walk through, but I did not hear Him clear enough. God was working the timing out and once again "I" tried to rush things along and thought the second door was the one. Again this all took place over my 40 day fast. I took the 2 job. Over the next 3 days of employment several things accurred that seamed to be road blocks. Silly things like a gas card they gave me wouldn't work, to differant work vehicles with in 2 days, both with issues. At the end of the 3rd day I received a call from the 1st door employer asking if I would still be interested if a job opened up. On day 4 he called me back again and told me the guy he hired instead of me desided not to work for him. This was on a Friday. I met him the next day, but before I did I prayed to God that if this is where He wanted me to go, please make it clear for me. When I met the guy on Saturday, in the span of a 15 or 20 minute long conversation, he answered some of my questions I was going to ask him without me even asking the questions. When that occured, I knew it was God affirming that this is where I was to be. Lesson learned was that all along God was working behind the scenes and if I would have let go and trusted completely I would have not walked through the 2nd door first. This all came to conclusion at the end of my 40 day fast.
I know I kind of rambled a little. I to, like you, find it hard to hear His voice for direction. Sometimes, I think, He works not from the sound of His voice, but through His actions as He orchastrates His plan for each of us.
Hope some of this helps.

Jim

Robert Shackelford said:

In terms of fasting, what should I realistically expect from God in terms specific guidance for work? I just can't seem to break through in faith... believe that something specific, Him clearly speaking to me, will happen. I'm highly logical, so I'm seeking practical application, the process of fasting, especially examples of results.

I've been very, very frustrated with Him because He does not tell me exactly what to do. I've had 5 years now, ups/downs, in career. Please note I'm not ignoring the thousands of lessons, and major growth in knowing Him and His character. I'm just like anyone else, I just LONG for a little better life.

At 49, time is running out for any semblance of retirement / savings / security, I mean, God knows I need income and money to live, pay for health care, etc. More importantly is being sidelined, trying, really trying to just keep trusting in Him for some resolution and change of circumstances.

[John R Foerster]

Madalina, I love to see, hear or read of those who have found our Papa as a loving person. May I suggest Crazy Love by Francis Chan to help you fall even deeper in love. There are video clips for each chapter which enhances the experience. I was blessed twenty years ago when Papa gave me a vision of his love for me. It was a very dark two years during which I repeatedly asked Him to call me home. Since then His revelation of how much He is in love with me has never ceased to render me praise filled. I am bubbling inside as I write. This love is contagious. My wife and I regularily ask for each to see the other through His eyes of love. The transformation is sickening to our friends. They have coined a phrase for us, "For John and Jane everyday is Valentines." I hope you do not let your experience get pushed back on to a pile of somedays by the business of life. What you have found is a great pearl. Now sell all to buy it. John

Madalina Lim said:

Hi Robert, I am very thankful for your sharing and I totally agree! And you know what, last nite God used that same verse you quoted from Phil 2:13 to reaffirm his purpose and truth. What you just testify has ministered to me, keep growing that dependence on Him!

Today, God spoke and told me that He is a God of love. Not the kind of God I have been chasing who would grant wishes on money/financial issues. I have chasing after my own tail for the long time and I am certain that I am coming out of a dark period now. I am glad and just have to keep remembering Good at all time and I know that God will aligh me to His purpose and calling for me!

May the peace of the Lord and His understanding and wisdom open your mind, your heart and spirit to hear Him this day forward! Amen! God bless:)

G - God
O - Owns
O - Our
D - Destiny

Praise God!

[John R Foerster]

Os, I could not agree more with the Joseph Calling. Currently, I am reincarnating prayer groups for our men's ministry. When asked to lead the effort my initial reaction was to turn down the offer. I did not want my leadership skills to be colored by the label, Prayer Coordinator. However, our men's staff singled me out because of the radical ideas they heard from me. One example is the idea of praying for travel mercies; for God to ensure the trip is without delay or troubles. This is I can not pray. What I will pray is for gracie and mercy to be present when the travel plans go bad. In 2001, our senior pastors wife was enroute home from Europe on 9/11. Without 9/11, she would have never had the chance to share the gospel with self-confessed God haters and others whose veiws of Christians were less than putried. I do not exagerate. I ask for your permission to use portions of Joseph's Calling in the re-training sessions planned. John

[Os Hillman]

John, I would have to disagree with not praying for protection and travel mercies.We don't desire for negative experiences in order to be able to share the gospel. We ask God's blessing on all our activity. If something happens, God is a redeeming God and can turn all things together for good.Evil comes from satan, not God. Gods,He does reproof, but His nature is love and blessing. Think in firms of how you treat your own children.What lousy father would thwart their children's efforts intentionally? That would be child abuse.

[John R Foerster]

Os, might I clarify my point. You are correct when you talk of His love for us. See my comment to Madalina. Desiring negative experiences is not my intention; never prayed for! There are times when Papa wants to grow us. Children sometimes do not want to be given advice. During those times I would let my children go on their chosen path and be there to help them. Teaching children to mange money is a good exemple. An indulgance with their allowance at an early age teaches more than any one on one with dad can provide. Paul hints of this when he writes, "in all things God works for the good of those who love him." He also will use us to reach others. We have many example in scripture of those He loved being allowed to endure a hardship to demontrate His attributes. Joseph is one of these.

Jane & I have had opportunities to host international believers for extended stays. These pastors and committed workers for His cause in their home land humble us. Compared to their circumstances I cannot pray for tires to stay inflated or for airplanes to always be on time. Perhaps I would have been clearer if I wrote, "What I will pray is for gracie and mercy to be present (if and) when the travel plans go bad." I hope this clarifies the comments made earlier. I leave you with this comment from my friend from Kenya who said, "With all the things Americans have I am surpised any are believers." He then left for Nairobi two months before the tribal riots and murders in which churches filled with his brothers were burned. Now for him I will and do pray for travel safety. John

Os Hillman said:

John, I would have to disagree with not praying for protection and travel mercies.We don't desire for negative experiences in order to be able to share the gospel. We ask God's blessing on all our activity. If something happens, God is a redeeming God and can turn all things together for good.Evil comes from satan, not God. Gods,He does reproof, but His nature is love and blessing. Think in firms of how you treat your own children.What lousy father would thwart their children's efforts intentionally? That would be child abuse.

[Os Hillman]

thanks for clarifying. Blessings.

[Os Hillman]

Many people ask me about my journey through 7 years of adversity that led to this ministry. Just uploaded FAQ biog
http://mpleaders.ning.com/profiles/blogs/frequently-asked-questions-on

[Robert Shackelford]

Os, that FAQ is really helpful. Even though God finally told me, perhaps it's been a year or so, that all my troubles were about 'brokenness', it's amazing how I still struggle with fear of what 'may' happen. Fear and depression are my major enemies. It's not over yet, just so you know.

I just lost another job after 7 months, a great job I really enjoyed. Knowing my past troubles, when I got that job, I did devotions daily, tithed like never before, prayed diligently, yet always telling God I knew that good works did not guarantee success... I knew the job could still not work out. STILL... I also knew He promised overwhelming blessings from tithing. So I just worked at understanding His ways, being obedient, giving all of my life to Him daily, and going with the flow. Then the company shut down.

So 3 months later, today it's hard writing, since I am very frustrated and anxious, mostly about wanting a job so I can have some control, but there's a divorce, hate-filled psycho spouse, house selling, etc.. She is really driving me to desperation and hurting myself, and in my case, when I get depressed I shut down, just go somewhere in my car and try to sleep. Wrong, yes. Emotions in control, yes. Hate self, yes.

I've had plenty of self-hatred. I only know that Job and David specifically expressed the same words to God or themselves that I have, and God did not condemn them for crying out to Him in pain, fear, and desperation for deliverence, and for answers and guidance.

Job even cursed the day he was born, and many other such cries of pain and despair. I'm not sure what character in the Bible that I am right now. I simply feel I don't compare to anyone of faith. These days, whenever I look at myself, I feel condemned. When I look at myself through God's eyes, I feel better.

Do you know how often I dream and hope God will treat me like Job or Joseph, and restore me? And I only ask for a job, not becoming a millionaire, etc. I just want to work.

You do a great job of summarizing in text. So I will say, can your team please pray for me also? More than anything, I want God to give me peace and self-control. With peace of mind, I know I can face all circumstances. Also that He would help me know what to do, help me make decisions, provide something direct and specific, other than 'just trust me'. But... if keeping trust is what He wants, with no other direct guidance... then help me let all else go. He alone has all power, all the answers, total control.

My greatest fear is ending up living in my car or on the street. I cannot depend on my church, other than for prayer.

Quite frankly, I have no comprehension whatsoever about early Christians who were kicked out of their homes, imprisoned for no reason, tortured, raped (likely), and fed to lions. Did they all 'praise the Lord' with smiles of joy in the midst of that? I doubt it, but I'm sure they prayed extremely hard for deliverence, yet God did not deliver all of them in this life.

That is my other worst fear, that God will allow things to just get worse. Though I know every promise of His is true, each does not apply to everyone, and I've experienced it, that's been a hard lesson to learn. And how I wish I were someone else, like Joshua or Paul, someone who never gave up. God made me the way I am, and He has told me He knows my weaknesses. I can only hope He will save my life, literally, so I won't get utterly depressed and try again to exit this life.

Regards,
Rob

[Os Hillman]

Robert, I do understand where you are. Don't try to be religious and not face the reality of the situation. I don't think Jesus was smiling when He was in the garden of Gethsemane. He had some form of peace in the midst, but the cross is not pleasant. I read a good book by Henry Wright, Rejection. It helped me deal with accusing spirits and rejection. https://www.tgifbookstore.com/SearchResults.asp?Search=rejection&am...

Also, his teleseminar on fear. I will send the teleseminar to you free if you can send me an email at [e-mail]

Our staff will be praying for you. We are facing some hard choices ourselves these days.

Robert Shackelford said:

Os, that FAQ is really helpful. Even though God finally told me, perhaps it's been a year or so, that all my troubles were about 'brokenness', it's amazing how I still struggle with fear of what 'may' happen. Fear and depression are my major enemies. It's not over yet, just so you know.

I just lost another job after 7 months, a great job I really enjoyed. Knowing my past troubles, when I got that job, I did devotions daily, tithed like never before, prayed diligently, yet always telling God I knew that good works did not guarantee success... I knew the job could still not work out. STILL... I also knew He promised overwhelming blessings from tithing. So I just worked at understanding His ways, being obedient, giving all of my life to Him daily, and going with the flow. Then the company shut down.

So 3 months later, today it's hard writing, since I am very frustrated and anxious, mostly about wanting a job so I can have some control, but there's a divorce, hate-filled psycho spouse, house selling, etc.. She is really driving me to desperation and hurting myself, and in my case, when I get depressed I shut down, just go somewhere in my car and try to sleep. Wrong, yes. Emotions in control, yes. Hate self, yes.

I've had plenty of self-hatred. I only know that Job and David specifically expressed the same words to God or themselves that I have, and God did not condemn them for crying out to Him in pain, fear, and desperation for deliverence, and for answers and guidance.

Job even cursed the day he was born, and many other such cries of pain and despair. I'm not sure what character in the Bible that I am right now. I simply feel I don't compare to anyone of faith. These days, whenever I look at myself, I feel condemned. When I look at myself through God's eyes, I feel better.

Do you know how often I dream and hope God will treat me like Job or Joseph, and restore me? And I only ask for a job, not becoming a millionaire, etc. I just want to work.

You do a great job of summarizing in text. So I will say, can your team please pray for me also? More than anything, I want God to give me peace and self-control. With peace of mind, I know I can face all circumstances. Also that He would help me know what to do, help me make decisions, provide something direct and specific, other than 'just trust me'. But... if keeping trust is what He wants, with no other direct guidance... then help me let all else go. He alone has all power, all the answers, total control.

My greatest fear is ending up living in my car or on the street. I cannot depend on my church, other than for prayer.

Quite frankly, I have no comprehension whatsoever about early Christians who were kicked out of their homes, imprisoned for no reason, tortured, raped (likely), and fed to lions. Did they all 'praise the Lord' with smiles of joy in the midst of that? I doubt it, but I'm sure they prayed extremely hard for deliverence, yet God did not deliver all of them in this life.

That is my other worst fear, that God will allow things to just get worse. Though I know every promise of His is true, each does not apply to everyone, and I've experienced it, that's been a hard lesson to learn. And how I wish I were someone else, like Joshua or Paul, someone who never gave up. God made me the way I am, and He has told me He knows my weaknesses. I can only hope He will save my life, literally, so I won't get utterly depressed and try again to exit this life.

Regards,
Rob

[Penny Bolton]

Rob,

My heart goes out to you. I think the reason we are in this community is because we believe we are all in our own "Joseph pit". And I will do my best to encourage and pray for you and please do the same for me.

My husband and I both have advanced educations, however, both of us have been unemployed for three years. We've had our home for sale for three years to no avail. Several years ago, we learned that our financial advisor embezzled 40% of our retirement investments before he committed suicide. We eventually got some of it back at the expense of $250,000 in legal fees that had to come out of the remainder of our retirement accounts. This is not a fun place to be when you are 60 years old.

Every week seems to present a new challenge. This week it was replacing a hot water heater ($1100.00) I was working in the flower beds and suffered from some spider bites that resulted in a trip to the Urgent care, a shot and 10 pills at $15 a piece. I'm now restricted to bed for the next few days.

I am mentally and physically exhausted. We've prayed if God didn't want us to return the professions we were educated, we are open to His leading in some other direction. God seems to be silent and I feel that I'm wandering in the wilderness. Yet for some reason I'm not afraid. Some days it takes all I can do to get through it and have to take it one hour at a time, but not afraid. And I have no explanation other than that God is not as silent as I perceive. I know there are a lot of people suffering much more than me, but that is not an explanation as to "why" Some day soon, I hope I will come to understand it.

For me right now, I'm fasting and praying like never before. I don't know what will result, but I for now this is where I am.

I just wanted you to know that I understand your pain and will be praying for you. Please be strong.

Penny


Os Hillman said:

Robert, I do understand where you are. Don't try to be religious and not face the reality of the situation. I don't think Jesus was smiling when He was in the garden of Gethsemane. He had some form of peace in the midst, but the cross is not pleasant. I read a good book by Henry Wright, Rejection. It helped me deal with accusing spirits and rejection. https://www.tgifbookstore.com/SearchResults.asp?Search=rejection&am...

Also, his teleseminar on fear. I will send the teleseminar to you free if you can send me an email at [e-mail]

Our staff will be praying for you. We are facing some hard choices ourselves these days.

Robert Shackelford said:

Os, that FAQ is really helpful. Even though God finally told me, perhaps it's been a year or so, that all my troubles were about 'brokenness', it's amazing how I still struggle with fear of what 'may' happen. Fear and depression are my major enemies. It's not over yet, just so you know.

I just lost another job after 7 months, a great job I really enjoyed. Knowing my past troubles, when I got that job, I did devotions daily, tithed like never before, prayed diligently, yet always telling God I knew that good works did not guarantee success... I knew the job could still not work out. STILL... I also knew He promised overwhelming blessings from tithing. So I just worked at understanding His ways, being obedient, giving all of my life to Him daily, and going with the flow. Then the company shut down.

So 3 months later, today it's hard writing, since I am very frustrated and anxious, mostly about wanting a job so I can have some control, but there's a divorce, hate-filled psycho spouse, house selling, etc.. She is really driving me to desperation and hurting myself, and in my case, when I get depressed I shut down, just go somewhere in my car and try to sleep. Wrong, yes. Emotions in control, yes. Hate self, yes.

I've had plenty of self-hatred. I only know that Job and David specifically expressed the same words to God or themselves that I have, and God did not condemn them for crying out to Him in pain, fear, and desperation for deliverence, and for answers and guidance.

Job even cursed the day he was born, and many other such cries of pain and despair. I'm not sure what character in the Bible that I am right now. I simply feel I don't compare to anyone of faith. These days, whenever I look at myself, I feel condemned. When I look at myself through God's eyes, I feel better.

Do you know how often I dream and hope God will treat me like Job or Joseph, and restore me? And I only ask for a job, not becoming a millionaire, etc. I just want to work.

You do a great job of summarizing in text. So I will say, can your team please pray for me also? More than anything, I want God to give me peace and self-control. With peace of mind, I know I can face all circumstances. Also that He would help me know what to do, help me make decisions, provide something direct and specific, other than 'just trust me'. But... if keeping trust is what He wants, with no other direct guidance... then help me let all else go. He alone has all power, all the answers, total control.

My greatest fear is ending up living in my car or on the street. I cannot depend on my church, other than for prayer.

Quite frankly, I have no comprehension whatsoever about early Christians who were kicked out of their homes, imprisoned for no reason, tortured, raped (likely), and fed to lions. Did they all 'praise the Lord' with smiles of joy in the midst of that? I doubt it, but I'm sure they prayed extremely hard for deliverence, yet God did not deliver all of them in this life.

That is my other worst fear, that God will allow things to just get worse. Though I know every promise of His is true, each does not apply to everyone, and I've experienced it, that's been a hard lesson to learn. And how I wish I were someone else, like Joshua or Paul, someone who never gave up. God made me the way I am, and He has told me He knows my weaknesses. I can only hope He will save my life, literally, so I won't get utterly depressed and try again to exit this life.

Regards,
Rob

[Robert Shackelford]

Penny, I said 'Wow..." to myself after reading your situation.

I was just reading your comments about being a 'doer', being a leader, organizer, project manager. I'm reminded of Charles Stanley's mag I get, the aspect of getting burned out, an apparently clear sign you are unknowingly 'earning' or 'performing' for God, OR the work is taking His place in priority. Stanley basically stated that God may actually block or withhold work success, and I really felt God was talking pretty clearly to me while reading that.

On the daily struggles you face, the issues that keep coming up... I totally am in that boat as well. Today I had to spend an hour with EDD fixing an issue with unemployment. I've had many little things upset me, you get very sensitive when things just don't get better.

I am very sorry you are suffering as you are, I try not to, but have grown to hate this world. For me, the huge gap between knowing God and His perfect love, etc., and then the utter horror and suffering that happens in this world... my logical mind can hardly bear it, as I seek God's help to both let go or reconcile it, whichever will set me FREE from it bothering me.

As you, I am intelligent, educated and God gave me many talents and abilities. I had recently complained to Him about being sidelined, and He knows how much I want to work. I told Him I"ll get lazy not working, lose my motivation, etc.

So then I read an article and it uses the SAME wording, about being 'sidelined'. For me, that's God's way to saying, "I hear you, and I know your concerns, and I am in control." I know I need to journal these things to remember them, because I do forget.

I know exactly what you mean when you say, "I'm so tired". I've told God, my little support of a couple friends, the same thing, over and over.

I totally relate to Tom Hanks in Castaway, "I just keep breathing, keep existing". It's not like that every day, but you know what I mean.

[Penny Bolton]

Robert,"
You are correct I've been a "doer", and that is why I believe God has been saying to me, "Be Still and Know that I am God", this past year. Being still is difficult, but I continue waiting on the Lord. He says in the scriptures, "I know the plan I have for you, it is for good and not for evil".

I would recommend you keep a journal. For the first time in my life I am journaling, but not about my problems or situation, but about good things. Quotes and passages from the Bible and other books I've been reading. When I go back and read some of my earlier writings, I recall why these words spoke so clearly to me then. I also realize how long a process this has been.

Someone once told me: "When things seem the bleakest and it appears all hope is gone, get ready, because God is about to take your breath away."

Dig into the Old Testament and read about some of the prophets. Read the Palms in the morning. It will give you the strength to take another step for another day. Although I have my moments, I refuse to focus on storm. When we get through this time, I want to be able to look back over my journals so that God was not just holding my hand, he was carrying me.

Take care,
Penny

Robert Shackelford said:

Penny, I said 'Wow..." to myself after reading your situation.

I was just reading your comments about being a 'doer', being a leader, organizer, project manager. I'm reminded of Charles Stanley's mag I get, the aspect of getting burned out, an apparently clear sign you are unknowingly 'earning' or 'performing' for God, OR the work is taking His place in priority. Stanley basically stated that God may actually block or withhold work success, and I really felt God was talking pretty clearly to me while reading that.

On the daily struggles you face, the issues that keep coming up... I totally am in that boat as well. Today I had to spend an hour with EDD fixing an issue with unemployment. I've had many little things upset me, you get very sensitive when things just don't get better.

I am very sorry you are suffering as you are, I try not to, but have grown to hate this world. For me, the huge gap between knowing God and His perfect love, etc., and then the utter horror and suffering that happens in this world... my logical mind can hardly bear it, as I seek God's help to both let go or reconcile it, whichever will set me FREE from it bothering me.

As you, I am intelligent, educated and God gave me many talents and abilities. I had recently complained to Him about being sidelined, and He knows how much I want to work. I told Him I"ll get lazy not working, lose my motivation, etc.

So then I read an article and it uses the SAME wording, about being 'sidelined'. For me, that's God's way to saying, "I hear you, and I know your concerns, and I am in control." I know I need to journal these things to remember them, because I do forget.

I know exactly what you mean when you say, "I'm so tired". I've told God, my little support of a couple friends, the same thing, over and over.

I totally relate to Tom Hanks in Castaway, "I just keep breathing, keep existing". It's not like that every day, but you know what I mean.